It has been a rather confusing time. The holistic practioner turned out to not be helpful for me. Her biofeedback techniques, which Jeff checked out on-line, and he finds to be considered useless quackery by some and illegal by others, produced results so startling as to my health that I truly thought my will must be strong enough to operate what otherwise is simply a barely available bag of chemicals, and is close to a corpse. I was quite impressed that I could even walk into her office, and then back out. She said my stress level was so high, and I am so depleted, that the stress must have begun in my mother's womb, and it is also her stress that I still carry. Well, I know my stress level is high right now, but come on - it is high right now. At times, I am a pussycat.
She also says I have a parasite. That is common according to what Jeff read on-line. Don't worry though. I now have purchased a supplement to rid me of the parasite. In 30 days, it will be gone.
I walked out not feeling as well as I walked in as you might imagine, though I did also fall for a bag of supplements which I am sure will augment my health. : )
I came home, and took a three hour nap and asked myself what I really need. The answer was water and rest. I drank four glasses of water. Jeff served a delightful, gourmet meal, and I went back to bed to sleep for twelve more hours. I did my writing with Jane this morning, and now, I am trying to catch up on my email before I go to my "chemo training" which will help me decide what to do.
I would like to place here a quote by Jean Shinoda Bolen that really helped me understand why Jeff and I were so shocked and stunned by the words of the oncologist on Tuesday which were completely neutral in delivery, message, and tone.
Bolen says: "Neutrality can be deadly. When the disease is a metastatic cancer, (which mine is), for example, and the "objective" oncologist tells his or her patient that she is to receive a particular chemotherapy drug with side effects he or she enumerates, which has a "40 percent chance of being effective," (again if I understand what was printed out for me correctly, my odds are much less than that,) with no discussion or encouragement, the emotional "tilt" is likely more toward hopelessness than hope, on the spectrum of expectations. The patient hears the statistics are not favorable, and surmises: This isn't likely to help."
I think Jeff and I both walked out deflated. We are still struggling with that. Jeff is checking everything he can on-line, so we can make an informed decision here. It is odd to feel I could still walk somewhat free, with just radiation and a drug seeming like nothing now. On the other hand, I will probably do the chemo. I will be doing it though as informed as I can. I see that that is key to healing, and, on that, absolutely everyone agrees.
I have a lot more to share, and I'll post when I can.